to be honest.. the past few month have been really tough.. confusing.. unasuring.. and.. SCARY..
the last thing anybody would want is doubt in whatever course their doing.. because its something that is going to effect the rest of your life.. and I HAD THAT DOUBT.. i never thought i have to go through this road.. All of a sudden when i saw what i studied... it felt like if i was dyslexic.. i just couldnt understand.. everything was just jumbled up.. my brain felt constantly clogged as i couln't take in anymore.. stress and pressure settling in.. overly fatigue.. and that time i just wanted to quit and do something easier or im better at.. just leave engineering.. and take a chance at art and design.. sumthing that my brain could comprehend more compared to formula and complicated networks screwing around my brain..
I knew i needed to talk to someone.. but who? felt like God had abandoned me.. because i wasnt getting any assurance from Him.. it was upsetting..
back then.. even my parent didnt understand what i was going.. the amount of pressure i was in..i couldnt blame them because money WAS an issue.. i go to class hoping i could grab on to something..something which i could understand.. but it was just getting tougher and tougher..
However.. deep down .. i know God wouldnt leave me..i found my assurance from a sister from church.. i received a message from her saying
"You may not know where tomorows road may lead.. but hold on to Gods hands.. "
its such a beautiful verse..
and again.. from a christian lecturer.. whom also encouraged me to continue even if i had the interest in it.. and i caught myself thinking.. : "hey.. i didnt go through my foundation years.. working so hard in maths and physics without interest? i knew what i was coming into.. and i made the effort to do well.. ofcourse God's wisdom and understanding was also part of it.. its a testimony of a lifetime.. of how much God had helped me!" Somehow rather.. i found the courage to continue.. and the lecturer was kind enough to offer me a prayer..
i manage to find my focus before finals.. but coursework marks of a few subjects were quite dissapoiting.. plus finals was really really tough.. and i thought ...this is it.. i have to change course before i suffer down this road..
but..as i prayed.. God showed me that i wasnt close to him and that was why i was having all of these fears and doubts.. i continued to pray.. whatever God's will for me.. i would accept it positively.. This time, my parents were soo understanding.. because they understood and they didnt want to see me suffering as well and i honestly felt the love and care they had for me which i selfishly thought it wasnt there.. with much hope they told me if i could just try out another one more semester..
Surprising.. my heart was at peace when i said "yes" .. its true i wasnt close to Him.. its almost like as if.. i prayed onli when i needed Him but then again.. i would let the pressure built on on me.. where was my faith which i used to proudly display..? where was my trust ..? where was my foundation layed on?
i refocused.. and i truely thank God for the people in my life.. the lecturer who helped me to sort out my subjects for the next a year and a half .. properly planned my subjects in the future.. i desire to finish it..! and also to conquer it..! God's way is slow but We are made overcomers.. we are weak but we are strong in Him.. we are poor but we are rich in Him.. and "He will make us the head and not the tail" and because "I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me.. " =)
Yes.. this was what i went through the pass few months.. just wanted to share.. i truely learnt to "Trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding.. and to acknowledge Him in all my ways for He will make my path straight" . Please keep me in prayer.. all you wonderful souls out there.. amen..
Ps: hope this was inpiring.. =p ;-)
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