im stuck!

WOW... been some time since i blogged..

oh well.. my last post has been a little dramatic with me wanting to go search for myself and all.. still am.. i just felt like i've lost the focus and i just couldnt blog.. didnt know wat to exactly eventhough there were lots of things going on around me.. like i went for mahes's 21st birthday last saturday... there was this ice-cream eating game and i came in 2nd! haha! then  i actually danced for the very 1st time in a function with my frens! i dont know how much of a fool i looked liked actualy because some of them said i was jumping more than dancing.. =.=' oh well.. who cares.. i had tonnes of fun and  im hoping they're just kidding since im such a shorty .. heh heh heh...=p

anyways.. that wasnt really wat i wanted to blog about.. just thought of writing whatever that came in my mind.. short semester is as miserable as ever.. with all the pilled assignments to finish... midterms and tests to study... feeling there is too much goin on in soo little time.. but i still have ample time to laze around and snooze around.. too much time in hand is a bad thing too.. because it makes you lazy!! and im LAZY!! guess what i've been doin rather than finishing up my assignments?? i was watching movies.. goin on a ugly betty final season marathon.. animes..and im not praying... gosh.. what is going on with me.. ?????

and u know what happens..??  im all moody.. all this negative thoughts keep pouring in.. feel soo lost.. disturbed... unhappy. emo-ish.. headache.. oh my God.. its weird.. its like im forgetting Him.. what He has done for me.. im soo afraid.. and im always reminding myself.. that God.. He's right there waiting for me to hold his hands so He could lift me up again...

This is a very honest opinion.. what we have become is the choices that we make in life.. there's no one to blame but.. urself.. its up to us to make the right choices and live a good live or make the bad choice and live with the consequences.. ofcourse.. we also have the moment where we learn from our mistakes... So indirectly said.. not all bad choices we make are bad choices.. hehe..

oh well.. im in distraught.. just feel like im stuck in some whirlwind and im finding it difficult to get out simply because im STUCK! Jesus.. save me...

God.. why am i the way that i am??

naan siritaal deepavali ..hoi!

haha.. !! yea people !! its deepavali!! Goin home today at 9:44am train! home sweet home babey!  Cant wait for friday.. go for deepavali visiting.. eating those delicious, mouth watering, rich, splendid indian sweet! paal kua.. jelebi.. kesari.. achimuruku.. murukus..!! who can forget the thosais, capatis , idlis and idiappom with chicken curry and sambar!!!  oh my God..! im literally drooling!!

okay enough of the deepavali fever.. 

oh well.. not really in the mood to blog lately.. having alot of things in my mind which i hv yet to let go of.. aLOT!  especially now... i can never understand one thing about myself.. im always envious of somebody...  i donno why.. as much as i try to stay positive.. i really donno if anyone would be envious of me???

Despite having the good friends.. the "past" .. great church friends... the life.. the countless blessings.. why lord..? why do i still feel like im missing out on something? i feel sad.. depressed.. angry.. frustrated sometimes.. because honestly.. i AM A LOW SELF ESTEEMED PERSON =( .. im constantly trying to find something good about myself .. something that i like about myself.. so far.. i honestly dont know..

one day.. i am going to face this world.. one day.. the friends dat i have now wont be there anymore to be there by my side to hear me out though i kno one can overcome all things through Christ Jesus.. but yea.. friends.. they too would have their own life to attend too already.. one day.. the people im with now.. wont be with me now forever.. wat will i do? wat will i do??

Alot of things have happened in my life.. i've seen people change.. for the better or for worst.. as for the worst i can only pray that God will save you.. and i definately hope not to be apart of it.. i've constantly had this desire to just travel.. go out all by myself.. not having the independent college life kind of independency but just totally no strings attached.. the real independency.. all by yourself... to travel.. and work wherever possible.. once you've gained anough money then go on the move again.. kinda reminds me of Christopher Mccandless.. if u dont know who he is.. you should definately go find out.. he's  a legend and a hero.. 

i feel like i just need a break..just go out without telling anyone..  go on a spiritual journey... leaving the world aside.. finding me in Him.. Im sure most would say : "why go on the journey when u can find God while prayin in ur room?" =/ oh well.. i reali dont hv the answer to that.. its just a personal thing.. :)

i always had the desire to bald myself.. like seriusly.. oh nO.. i am no britney spears k.. im totally fine with no psycological problems..its just a once in a life time thing which i reali desire to do.. 

i know my blog has been quite random lately.. not much of an update on a totally vain life which i have...apart from STILL recovering from a very terrible flu, had Pengajian Malaysia xm ,  got total cake facial for Lacness, Chris, and Mahes's birthday eventhough i tried running awaysoo badly.. played cs with kalai and mahes then kalai taught me how to play Left 4 Dead~~!(becoming a gaming pro now) oh well.. i guess my life isnt exactly the epidemic of vain.. but.. 

God..  why am i  the way that i am??  

=/ ...............

Angel ....

As i was sitting on my desk.. this song just flowed into my mind. Angel by Sarah Mclachlan.. such a beautiful.. beautiful ..beautiful song... click on --> Angel  to hear the song =)

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There’s always one reason

To feel not good enough

And it’s hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh beautiful release

Memory seeps from my veins

Let me be empty

And weightless and maybe

I’ll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

There’s vultures and thieves at your back

And the storm keeps on twisting

You keep on building the lie

That you make up for all that you lack

It don’t make no difference

Escaping one last time

It’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh

This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel

Fly away from here

From this dark cold hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort there

You’re in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here 

cest la vie ..

.. absolutely miss blogging..

LOL.. anyways.. today kampar had a thunderstorm which was pretty scary 1st coz i hate thunder.. 2nd it felt like as if it was right above my head and 3rd it caused digi not to hv signal .. had to use fbchat to communicate with everyone just so that we can go out as a group for dinner..sighs.. but i guess v hv to thank God for the technology.. hahaha

Had another go of cs today the peeps! wuhoo! vani joined us!!! today cudnt reach my target of 100 but ended up killing 97 ppl instead before suddenly getting disconnected from the server.. nansense!

alot of things has been on my mind.. alot of  things that i shudnt be bothered of im bothered.. alot of ppl in need of alot of prayer and im here ..bein soo healthy.. sleeping like a pig.. eating like a pig.. playing cs.. yamcha-ing.. even enjoyin a peaceful scenery by the lake.. when there are people who are going throughh operations after operating.. chemo after chemo.. vomitting after vomitting.. suffering after suffering.. sometimes i just cant help wonder.. where is the fairness in thAT? Yes ppl i Am talking about cancer.. CANCER.. why does it even exist i should ask.. its main exixtence to cause pain and suffering to those who are suffering it and even those who is surrounded by it.. and sometimes it makes me feel guilty .. really guilty that i even worry about some guy who use to like me.. that i worry about failing a subject.. who this.. what that.. how much more pathetic can i be.. sigh.. SIGH!!

im just sad... how many of my church members died of cancer.. a fellow frend's mother is having cancer..my fren's aunty is having cancer.. even my own dear cousin is hving cancer and has been fighting it for 2 years and still is.. and i.. i just feel soo helpless.. i feel God is soo not fair.. and all i can do is just pray........that also im not doing properly.. sighs

honestly..now .. i no longer think its a big deal having a stomach pain.. headache.. flu.. cough ..sick.. even when it comes.. its for a while..

not sure why i wrote the things i wrote.. it just came in my mind..

anyways.. i HAVE been having this sore throat.. which is quite irritating.. hope to get better soon.. and tomorow  which is today since its 3.43am on saturday im having Pendidikan Moral class.. classes on saturdays honestly sucks... tot i'd be in the same class with sasi but i'm left stranded all myself in a different lecture hall from 8am to 3pm!!

You see people.. even after all the things i've mentioned.. i still worry about petty little things.. and u just cant help but to wonder that THERE ARE people who just .. they just .. dont get to worry about petty little things such as these.. and the only thing they worry about is to win the battle and also to answer the question WILL I LIVE ANOTHER DAY TO SEE THE SMILES OF MY LOVED ONES..?? too many "sighs" already but still.. sighs..

oh well ... for us who can pray.. we pray... =) CEST LA VIE --------> its life.. 

Amazing Love

Amazing Love

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,

I’m accepted, You were condemned.

I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,

Because You died and rose again.

Amazing love,

How can it be

That You, my King, should die for me?

Amazing love,

I know it’s true.

It’s my joy to honor You,

In all I do, I honor You.

I’m forgiven because You were forsaken,

I’m accepted, You were condemned.

I am alive and well, Your spirit is within me,

Because You died and rose again.

=D!!

"i dont wanna go somewhere.. if i know that Your not there..coz i know me  without You is a lie.."

im referring to God k.. not to some imagination lover of mine.. ! anyways.. its a song from Avalon.. beautiful lyrics in which i believe i've posted before.. ^^

anyways.. i believe i havent blogged for a while now.. hehe.. was high on sem break! haha... no la..actually balik kampung alridi.. so no mood to blog..  its different when ur home.. When i blog.. i need to lie down on the bed with my laptop on my lap..and just blog..therefore im alridi used to the position when im in kampar.. when i go home= blogging mood shuts off + no privacy!

anyways..its been a week since im back to kampar.. took some time to settle in.. with 3/4 of the gang off for Intership! but its still tonnes of fun with the guys and sasi, christina, sudtha.. Counter Strike and pool !! wohooo!!  im a cs pro now.. my personal record from 29 to 54 then i finally i killed 104 ppl!!  sudah pro la.. biasa la... *perasan-ing*

anyways.. got a few testimonies.. will update one by one later on..

chaoz for now ppl!

life as it is..

Read one of juan's post which mentioned im doing a good job at taking her place while she's gone.. perhaps i was.. haha.. but she's still my "guru" in blogging.. blogger queen juan! but the truth of the matter is .. i just blog when im reali tensed up.. if u realise i had a lot of posts up last month.. and i was in the middle of my finals for God's sake.. hahahaha!!

oh well.. speaking of juan's latest post.. hm.. .. i guess there is someone whose feeling the same way as i do.. and yes juan i gotto agree.."its just life.. how hard can it be?". I think.. a few posts back i roughly wrote something similar.. but it was just a buddle of words or craps and i dont even know ppl who read it actually really got it.. ^^'

its true.. its just life . how hard can it be? though we think this way.. why do we still hv the doubt.. THAT wreck of emotion that we still sink ourselves into? after putting on my thinking cap.. this thought just randomly popped in..LIFE as we say  is only hard when we start getting confused between what we feel and what we think.. confusion between imagination and reality.. confusion between facts and figures.. confusion between touching and tasting.. confusion between seeing and believing ...confusion between knowing and not knowing..confusion!

yes.. im confused.. sometimes you just cant help but to ask God :"why cant my life be as perfect as others?!!!"

well.. ofcourse nobody is perfect.. problem ceases to rise no matter how perfect someone is or how perfect someones life is.. being perfect itself is a problem.. so then why???  well.. to be honest.. when you dont get the things you want in life.. and when other have it.. you just assume that the person is perfect.. sighs..  i kno ..lame.. 

So then .. what happens to trusting God..? what happens to having faith? what happens to not having doubt? what happens to "God's will be done in my life"?  Well........ nothing .. nothing happens.. cause its you... its all you.. WE have to look at life diffrently.. rather than looking at it like some miserable piece of trash.. we ought to look at it like its a rainbow.. colorful.. beautiful.. it just puts a smile on your face... and you help to put smiles n others.. =)  its tough.. it is HARD.. sometimes we just got to let go of past emotions.. definately know that God's will is being done in your life... definately i want someone in my life..to love me for who i am.. whome i'd be happily married with kids..mayb i hAd that person.. but then God told me its not him.. and i must wait.. so i'll just wait.. and im sorry God.. if i had acted miserably..if i didnt hv faith.. if i ever doubted You.. if i had ever stop trusting You.. im sorry.. cause nothing in this WORLD ever matters if  I dont HAVE YOU in my life.. =) 


You cant change what has happened.. nor must you dwell in it.. dont let your teenage hormones/ adult hormones(if such exists) get the head of you.. take charge of you life.. accept things the way they are.. dont try hard to change then ending up making the biggest mistake in your life.. everything happens for a reason.. if what you want doesnt take place now.. it doesnt mean it wont happen.. God has heard your prayers.. so trust in Him..for He will make your path straight..just let it go.. 


YES i know i have mentioned the aboves 101 times in my other posts before.. but no harm to be reminded of again.. for myself and for some of you.. ^^

Something just prompt me to write this on fb yesterday morning(saturday) :

"why would ppl wanna kill themselves for love?? come on la..life is worth more than that.. love comes and go.. if its the right one for u it stays.. and nothing is better God's love for YOU and ME .. if u wanna die .. die for Him.."

God bless and goodnyt!